Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i out mim tonsoeep
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