All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
