who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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