When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize