If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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