there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
