I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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