if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
