It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
