I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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