nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
