meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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