I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
