thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
