3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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