He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
