Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
