babies were throwing up all over the place
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
