in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
