now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
