i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
