I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
