Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
