my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
