my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
