I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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