we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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