Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
