I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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