8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
