Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
