WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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