Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
