I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
