you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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