If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
