The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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