All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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