70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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