i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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