I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
