I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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