I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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