I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
try to milk me bitch
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