I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
