Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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