At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
