i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
