sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
