you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
