If that was your dad, he is hot
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
