Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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