You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
