Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
